Well, I just trashed another post that was nearly three thousand words long and would have bored you to tears. While I, wallowing in self pity and and an undying desire to sort through the trash pile that IS my mind, dared to make sense of all the crap that I have to go through sometimes.
I’m hurting. That’s all.
So I trashed it. Why lay a foundation for something else that might come back to bite me someday? No, I rather don’t want to have to possibly add anything else to what I already have to deal with. I already doubt so very many things…
Why, I even read an article today that said that we don’t all get to come out of the lion’s den! So I’ve spent the last two hours in tears, wondering how – with that line of thinking – can I ever actually pray and BELIEVE, like the Bible says that I’m suppose to? If that’s the case, how am I suppose to pray and have any kind of expectation, any kind of assurance that there’s something better than what I’ve been going through?
I started this blog over a year ago with the intent to write out my frustrations and vent and tell my story and maybe find some peace through that process. And yet I’ve shared nothing, not really. Probably never will. I don’t share in real life and I guess some things never change.
Well, because it doesn’t do any good. At least not for me. Whether I share or don’t, everything I’ve ever done or said or thought wrong still plays like a snippet of a movie trailer that’s stuck on repeat in my mind, every day and every night, without fail. Oh, I never let it show. But it’s a relentless reminder that I’m certainly not perfect, a constant devil on my shoulder that always tells me that I deserve whatever hell I’m going through. Reminding me, always reminding me…
I guess I really am my own worst enemy.
So every time someone “catches” me feeling bad – and that’s something that doesn’t happen if I can possibly help it – I nod and agree with all the affirmations of “it will get better, just give it time” or “things could be worse” or “you’ll feel better after such and such”. Life is a roller coaster, I know there will come a time, and sometimes I wait for it anxiously while other times I feel like it will never come.
But, as a wise lady once said, tomorrow IS another day. I’ll tear down the drapes, make the most beautiful wrap for my outer person I possibly can, and never let another living human being know that there was ever a tear shed…
Because I am nothing, if not strong.