Posted in Musings

Gut Wrenching Heartache


Well, I just trashed another post that was nearly three thousand words long and would have bored you to tears. While I, wallowing in self pity and and an undying desire to sort through the trash pile that IS my mind, dared to make sense of all the crap that I have to go through sometimes.

I’m hurting. That’s all.

So I trashed it. Why lay a foundation for something else that might come back to bite me someday? No, I rather don’t want to have to possibly add anything else to what I already have to deal with. I already doubt so very many things…

Why, I even read an article today that said that we don’t all get to come out of the lion’s den! So I’ve spent the last two hours in tears, wondering how – with that line of thinking – can I ever actually pray and BELIEVE, like the Bible says that I’m suppose to? If that’s the case, how am I suppose to pray and have any kind of expectation, any kind of assurance that there’s something better than what I’ve been going through?

<sigh>

I started this blog over a year ago with the intent to write out my frustrations and vent and tell my story and maybe find some peace through that process. And yet I’ve shared nothing, not really. Probably never will. I don’t share in real life and I guess some things never change.

Why?

Well, because it doesn’t do any good. At least not for me. Whether I share or don’t, everything I’ve ever done or said or thought wrong still plays like a snippet of a movie trailer that’s stuck on repeat in my mind, every day and every night, without fail. Oh, I never let it show. But it’s a relentless reminder that I’m certainly not perfect, a constant devil on my shoulder that always tells me that I deserve whatever hell I’m going through. Reminding me, always reminding me…

I guess I really am my own worst enemy.

So every time someone “catches” me feeling bad – and that’s something that doesn’t happen if I can possibly help it – I nod and agree with all the affirmations of “it will get better, just give it time” or “things could be worse” or “you’ll feel better after such and such”. Life is a roller coaster, I know there will come a time, and sometimes I wait for it anxiously while other times I feel like it will never come.

But, as a wise lady once said, tomorrow IS another day. I’ll tear down the drapes, make the most beautiful wrap for my outer person I possibly can, and never let another living human being know that there was ever a tear shed…

Because I am nothing, if not strong.

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Author:

I have already walked a long and winding road, sometimes choosing the road less traveled, and sometimes choosing the wrong road all together. Still one fact remains... were it not for God, I would not have made it this far, if at all. I am a freelance writer, blogger and B2B copywriter. My love for writing has been with me my entire life and nothing pleases me more than to be doing exactly what I love.

3 thoughts on “Gut Wrenching Heartache

  1. We learn from you, your insight is worth gold to many. If it doesn’t help you, it does help others. In so doing, you are the perfect missionary portraying the principle, not the person. It is not meant to help you if you write as your gift is for the benefit of His people. You are the pen and your life is the story. Jesus will minister to you outside of your blog but practise your gift,have coffee and write some more.

    Pete

    BlessedBeyondRecognition

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And here I am, feeling your pain, and hoping you can find the good in what happens, because I believe it is ALWAYS there. My job is to find it hiding there behind the pain, behind the curtain of tears. It might only be a tiny glimmer, but it is there, and in whatever strength you have in you, (and I think it’s a lot) you WILL find it. It’s the WILL. All the meanings attached to that little word. Makes me think of the movie, Bruce Almighty when God says something like, “There are two rules to follow. You can’t tell anyone you are God, and you can’t mess with free will…” Thanks for sharing. There are so many things going on on any given day. I see you posts but don’t get a chance to read all of them, but I did take time to read this one. I’m glad I did. Keep writing. You are onto something good…

    Liked by 1 person

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