So… I’ve been trying for months now to write a post about something I thought I had gotten over, but really, I haven’t.
The death of my nephew.
As I type this, that particular post is up in a separate tab, typed to a certain point before I had to stop writing.
I always stop writing when the tears come. I never let myself cry. Not even when I’m alone. And it’s not just about him, I just don’t let myself cry at all anymore. Maybe because too much of it has gone on in the past, so much that I’m SO SICK and TIRED of hurting!!!!
On a side note, the last time I cried, I realized that my tears weren’t even salty. In a kind of morbid humor, I thought to myself that perhaps my body had been denied tears for so long they had forgotten how to BE tears. I know…it’s just the way I think sometimes…
After some recent events, which basically threw it in my face that maybe I hadn’t dealt with this appropriately, I had decided that I was GOING to write that post. As I said, I’ve been trying for months, maybe longer, to get it out. It needs to come out. At least, for me.
I know everyone has their own way of dealing with things like this, and I thought I had mine, but that little voice in my head finally asked me, “So, if you’ve dealt with it, how come it hurts so much that you don’t even want to talk about him or see pictures of him or anything?”
So I got up this morning with the sole intent of finally writing that post.
Until I got to the part that hurt…
That’s when my heart broke all over again, my eyes filled with tears all over again, and I pushed it away…all over again.
I’m closer than I was. That post has been started, it’s in my queue, and maybe I can add to it and finally finish it at some point. Will it help? I don’t know. And maybe that’s my worry, that I will have revisited all of that and still be in the same mental mud hole I’ve been in for ten years.
I don’t know.
How do you write about a hard thing like that? How do you deal with it when you haven’t let yourself deal with it for so very long?